Him and Her for the One Last Time –Two sided thoughts on 'One-sided love'

11:07 PM

There I was, driving by an ocean of trees, watching the red globe sink in ours, the sea turning red, when it hit me. The sky was attacked by an unfathomable number of bullets, and no medicine could ever fix it.And to think that unrequited love was nothing compared to the condition of the sky would be a stupid thought.

Because it is. Even bigger than the sky. What can be bigger than something limitless? You are right. Something you can never get. It always remains the epitome of your life. Incessant, unreachable, infinite...love. One sided love.You think you have moved on. But you never throw the light on the fact that if you're thinking about the same thing for about a hundred times a day, how can you ever move on? How can you just throw away something out of your system that is so deeply manifested in it that the thought of it pops up even when you are writing the most important exam of your life. I wish I could unspool my brain and pin down those thoughts and throw them out like forever...if that was ever possible

The longing is brutal, like a knife in my heart, blocking the blood from reaching its destination, and I sit here, in my car, and watch where she sat, and I feel breathless. In a medical kind or way that calls for an emergency.

The way a person looks at you sometime, without saying anything, you have no idea what it can do to you... It can shatter you into a thousand little pieces you go on collecting for the rest of your life. I still remember the last time he looked at me while dropping me off to the airport in his car. His face is fading in my memories, it becomes hard to imagine his lips and his face cut and his nose...and all of these features together sometimes but I still distinctly remember his eyes. His blue eyes, so deep that I felt he could see through me...every thought of mine vulnerable, those eyes were the last thing I saw before leaving for Mumbai that night. His gaze fixed right at me,even though it wasn't for more than two seconds, and I looked away to let that trickle fall down from mine while he would have thought that I was escaping eye contact. I so badly wanted him to say something, something I had been waiting for past five years then. Those three magical words. Even though I was about to leave the city in a few moments. I wanted him to say it for once...and guess what? He did say three words after that long dreaded stance of silence..'We are here.'

I missed the touch of her lips, the caressing of her hands, the gap between her eyes, the slope of her cheekbones, the depth of her thoughts, the life in her being, her. I missed her. So. Damn. Much. I looked at her, and she looked at me, and it was the kind of looking you only see in movies and then the hero leans in, and she closes her eyes, and they kiss. We could not kiss. Not on the lips. Not on the cheeks. I had never kissed her. She wasn't mine. I wasn't hers. There is a gap between the actual leaving, and the time when you find that it would be taking place, and in that gap lie the most heartbreaking lines and the unsaid truths. And when the person is about to go from being twenty miles away from you to miles-you-counted-but-never-want-to-remember miles away, you feel it. All of it. In all its greatness and *unblunt*ness. I mean, when do you even start thinking about the going away part? You keep running away, which is kind of right, and then the day arrives and what do you even do? Just let them go? Just like that? Would you give away an artery just like that? I would not even give a chicken wing away and she owned the most beautiful soul I had ever seen, for that matter. Her eyes were sad. Wanting me to say something. As if she would not go if I asked her to. As if saying something in such times is inevitable, important, life threatening. As if saying that you love them would make this less sad, or not saying that you love them would make them more sad. The only thing an affectionate hug and those words would do is make us cry. And I did not have the heart to break her again.

It broke my heart. We were there. We had reached the airport after being stuck in Delhi's traffic for 2 hours, we were finally there and he did not say it. I was leaving forever and yet he did not say it. I know him saying it then would have made no sense at all but I still keep thinking about it..all the time. Him saying those words, finally giving a shape to my fascinations in the real world and I'd lean in to kiss him with tears in my eyes. But it did not happen. He got out of the car and just stood outside for a moment before coming to my side to open the door of my side. I quickly wiped the second tear I'd shed as he approached near. I quickly looked up in the rear view mirror and checked my face for any visible signs of crying and tied my hair in a ponytail with the only ruffle tie I had managed to take along before leaving the house. He opened the door and still didn't say it. It broke my heart.

I offered my hand to let her get out of the car but she did not take it and I wondered if she would forget holding them. I wondered if this was it, that she didn't even give me the fate of at least holding her hand for one last time, the inside of my eyes losing the dryness as I thought about it, and wondered if I was  watching the piece of my heart move galaxies away from me.Airports are not just about infrastructure. They should have proper places to go to and cry your heart out and there should be an extra five minute time for hugging just before the doors close, even though five is such a tiny number in front of our infinity. The infinity that was about to reach the midpoint between itself and its other extreme.

 I got out of the car looking down and proceeded to collect my bag from the back seat. I couldn't look up because I had noticed my eyes being still watery and all, and I didn't want him to look at me like that for probably the last time he'd be looking at me. I wanted him to remember my happy face, my laughter, our happy times, our laughter...our unending laughter together. So I got the bag out and caught up with him as he locked the car and we made our way to the entrance. Walking together, but it felt like we were walking in two worlds apart altogether to embrace a world which would be same for the both us...a world which would be devoid of the other's presence.

She was walking beside me, looking at the passing earth,  and with every step she took, the doors got closer, and she got farther.
What would be the worst thing that could happen if I kiss her? What could have been the worst thing that would have happened if I would have just stopped her for once and kissed her right there and then, before the glass doors slid behind her as she walked past to board the plane?
I don't know.
I will never know.
And soon after, There I was, driving by an ocean of trees, watching the red globe sink in ours, the sea turning red, when it hit me. The sky was attacked by an unfathomable number of bullets, and no medicine could ever fix it.And to think that unrequited love was nothing compared to the condition of the sky would be a stupid thought.
Because it is. Even bigger than the sky. What can be bigger than something limitless? You are right. Something you can never get. It always remains the epitome of your life. Incessant, unreachable, infinite...love. One sided love.

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