The light inside me

10:18 PM

2 AM, looking in the mirror,
tears stroking down my cheeks,
I say to myself "Shut up, you're fine.".
I know I didn't believe it,
I know it was a lie,
But I still said it.
I still said it,
Because I'm holding on,
To all the strength left inside of me,
Trying to stick back,
My heart and my soul,
Into what they once were.
My vision is hazy,
With tear droplets,
But I can practically see,
My world falling apart,
Right in front of me.
I smile,
Like I was checking if I still could,
Checking if I could still sense it,
Sense hope and happiness.
I fall onto the floor with a thud,
I was shouting and screaming,
But the world could not hear,
The voices in my head.
I try,
I try to stand up,
I try to look at myself,
In the mirror,
But it's too hard.
It's too hard.
My insides are burning,
Like pieces of charcoal,
But there is no fire,
Only darkness.
Life is being succumbed to nothing,
Little by little, piece by piece,
How would I live without hope and love?
And everything I've believed in?

I stop.
I stop to wipe my tears,
Almost breaking apart again,
But I stop.
I get back up,
Drenching my face with drops,
That aren't my tears.
I know I'm broken,
I know I'm losing it,
But I will still hold on,
Because all I have is me.
I am the one,
Who wipes my tears,
And offers myself tissues.
I am the one,
Who picks myself,
On several nights of breaking down,
From the bathroom floor.
I am the one,
Who tells myself, "You're worth it.",
Even if I won't believe it,
On some days.
I am the one,
Who stands by me,
Through my battles,
Who knows me,
And my scars.
I am proud of me,
Because it is me,
Who has always been there,
Through thick and thin,
For me.
I know it sucks,
I know it's tough,
But I know it'll be worth it,
It really will be.
And after that night,
I never lay on the floor,
Crying, cribbing and complaining.
For the light inside me is broken,
But I still work.

Picture credits: Madhavi Arora

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