A conversation with Alaska - To-be-continued?9:21 PM
We both smoked cigarettes, looking out the window, watching the serene moonlight pass through the broken corridors of the trees. It had never occurred to me before that moment that a person's face can shine like a mirror on a full moon light. I wish I saw my face in her eyes like I saw it on her cheek, with her long cheekbones distorting the image.
"I don't know what to say." I said, looking at her half-face which looked one-fifty percent more beautiful than her full-face.
"Me neither." She said, without glancing at me.
I don't know I felt kind of sad when she said that. And even more when she didn't even glance at me. I always found looking-in-to-the eye conversations beautiful and given the paronoidship of my emotional well-being, it always made me sad when someone I really wanted to talk to talked to me looking at the freaking stars.
The silent wasn't awkward, except for my mind, which kept telling me, "you're boring the hell out of her. Let's just drop her home and leave." I found it difficult to shut it up.
"Doesn't it make you sad that I am sitting here with you and you still can't kiss me?"
"It always makes me sad that I can't kiss you."
She just paused. Like, she had something to say and she just looked at me like a small child and smiled and said,
"I knew you'd say that."
"Why cannot I kiss you?"
"Because I have never thought about your lips being on my lips."
"You always can."
"I don't want to. Don't you get it? I have never thought about you that way."
I don't know why I even started this conversation. I was sad before the conversation, but compared to this, that was fine.
Why didn't she want to? She was single. I had been there for her when the fucking break up happened and I had clearly noticed her moving on from it. I may not have been the most lovable person on the planet, but at least I was better than her asshole ex boyfriend. And she still didn't want me. It's like you do everything right and the poor question still makes you fail.
I sung songs to her, I made her smile when he made her sad, I did my job even though it wasn't my responsibility; I was in love with her when she was in love with someone else. And guess what? She thought I still didn't deserve it. "Screw her" my mind said to me, in the most innocent sense of the phrase.
I made her surprises and I told her I didn't want to be just friends with her and I told her the person who makes her cry doesn't deserve her and I still didn't deserve it? Wow.
It was not my fault that I felt this way. Maybe it wasn't her fault too. Maybe we were just not meant to be. Some people are just not meant to be together. Which made me sad more than I initially was when she had said that.
She looked at the sadness that had set in my eyes and looked away.
I finally said, trying hard to control the well of my eyes running like a river in front of the lady of my dreams,
"Why do jerks get you and I don't?"
She pointed up at the sky and made little drawings, like her mom, whisking her paint brush through the empty canvas of air.
"Hey. I just made an A." And she showed it to me, so innocently it made all the anger I had against her go away.
"You never get me. That's the whole point." She said, looking in my eye, making me want to kiss her.
"But I want to."
"I want to go to the beautiful city of Kashmir and I want to be able to tell my mom I loved her and I want to smell white daisies without feeling sad and I want to kiss the veins on your lips but if life worked the way I wanted it to, don't you think, we would already have been making out by now?"
"WHY?", I screamed, tears starting to heavy my eyelids.
She smiled, the pure Alaska-ian smile, the smile that could mend my soul just by touching it, the smile that could make my heart smile just by looking at it, the smile which was meant to make me feel something, the smile which always did.
"Because, Pudge never gets Alaska. That is the whole point, you idiot. Pudge can only dream of the to-be-continued to be continued but it is just in his head. Pudge will never get Alaska. And that is it."
I swear I wanted to slap the crap out of her for saying that with a grin on her face but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to a point where I hated her. There are some people in this world that you just can't hate. No matter what they do.
"Well, I suppose then I can't go on. And please don't hate me for saying this but I can't keep smoking cigarettes with you and keep drinking wine with you and Chip and I can't sneak into other's room with you and I can't keep making a fool of myself in front of you without you feeling anything, with the fact that Pudge never gets Alaska stand as it is, and I cannot stop loving you, and since I cannot do that, and since Pudge will never get Alaska, Alaska has to let go of Pudge, the Pudge she so fondly adores but is too coward to admit it, and I don't fucking make sense to myself and I am under no obligation to make sense to you and I think..."
And she kissed me. Again. And I swear this felt better than the original to-be-continued.
PS: Looking for Alaska is a novel by John Green. And this one is just another fandom story, for Alaska, for the Alaska in my life, and it is not meant to ridicule their love story. This is NOT actually a missing page or plagiarised work of John Green. It is a fandom-story. For god's sake, don't judge her. She is awesome. And if you haven't read the book, You can buy it here.(Amazon.com).